Being on tv again

People have asked me what it takes to be 'good on the box'. Here's a random list of six things you'll need to Get Ahead On Television:-

1 A LARGE HEAD AND A SMALL BODY
To look good on tv you need to be a bit of a Thunderbird puppet, over generous in the noggin area and small of shoulder and limb. It sounds weird but it's true, and it holds for movies as well as telly. Tom Cruise, in the normal world, looks incredibly odd, about five feet tall and with a GINORMOUS bonce. But in movies he looks well proportioned. I met Keanu Reeves once and he looks like that square-headed robot off of Red Dwarf in reality, and a hunktastic dreamship on the screen.

No idea why but there you are.

2 THE ABILITY TO STARE
Into a camera, at another person, into the distance whilst the music wells up, at an autocue without moving your eyes - you have to be able to look at things you really shouldn't look at for extended periods of time. Without a single flinch or glance sideways. One false move and you'll look edgy and untrustworthy.

This is for all tv jobs, from newsreader (staring at a blue wall that has someone's face dubbed on it only for the viewers) to actor (staring into the middle distance when another actor is blethering behind them so they're both facing camera, where every sinew in your body is shouting "turn around and look at him - he's talking to you!") to presenter (staring into camera as people talk on the phone - all you can see is a lens. A bloody lens. It's round and clear. It's not that person. But they think you are looking at them. It's just odd.)

3 A SLOW. TALKING. VOICE.
A normal person tends to gabble on camera. They're nervous, unprepared, excited. A tv person talks very slowly. It sounds good. Calm. Smooth. Short sentences. If you gabble in your everyday life, you'll be constantly fighting that urge on telly. It's possible to train yourself but not easy.

4 AN APPROPRIATE ACCENT
Brummies tend not to read the national news. Scousers tend not to be cast in soaps as high-flying executives. Geordies tend to play nice characters ("aw, such a friendly voice!"), an Edinburgh accent is perfect for a newscaster, but a Glaswegian one isn't. And yer Irish just sound warm and classless. On account of being from a country with no major class divisions. The Irish Irish, not the Northern Irish. They sound knowledgeable and stern.

It's all a load of old ballcocks but it's how you're perceived. Telly is the same as call centres - there's loads in nice accented parts of the North-East and Scotland, and not many in the Midlands. Hey, don't blame me, blame the viewers.

5 YOU NEED A SLOW METABOLISM
An odd thing to say, you may think, but undoubtedly true. I've got a very fast metabolism. I eat and drink more calories than average yet have always been trim. I go to the gym, yes, and don't eat wads of transfat-stuffed fast foods, but I've always burned up my food quickly. This means I usually feel warmer than most people.

Sadly this also means I sweat when I get hot (ie when it's slightly above freezing and I've got more than one layer of clothes on). So I appear shifty and shiny on telly, not a good look at all. The combination of bright lights and warm studios is a killer. If you're David Letterman - he's a Person of Increased Temperature too - you can crank the aircon in the studio to the max to stay cool looking. But if you're second-presenter-on-the-left on Rotherham Tonight, you can't. And if you start to sweat you'll look like you're melting. See Broadcast News, that seminal tv film, for a perfect example.

6 HAVE SOMEONE SHOUTING IN YOUR EAR WHILST YOU TALK IS FINE
This is for live presenters only, the dreaded earpiece, where the producer can yell "right, we've lost Michael Portillo next, we're doing the paragliding puppy instead. In five...", all while you're asking Westlife about their latest dirge. Not easy at all - even hardened veterans can be seen to flinch occasionally.

If you can tick all those six boxes you might be ok on tv. Might.