My Weirdest Job Interview Ever

So I'm about to be interviewed for a pretty senior if not particularly specified role at a small if infamous TV channel. It was run by a man who had a reputation for being a bastard, supposedly one of the nastiest men in the meeeja. He once fired an astrologer by writing her a letter starting “as you’re no doubt already aware”…

He had very strong old-fashioned opinions on everything, from hangin’ and floggin’ to woofters and nonces. He even used those words. Out loud and everything – not common in PC-telly land. And, buried deep in some snidey meeeja article, was a quote from him about how people should be smartly turned out, suited’n’booted, because it means you know who’s the boss and who’s the work-ex kid. Not easy even then but there you go.

I was wearing a black suit that day as I’d had a pitch meeting in the morning, but with a white T-shirt underneath. Hey - it was the mid-90’s, it was trendy. I also had a ponytail but let’s not even go there.

So off I go to this interview totally sozzled (see last post), dressed incorrectly, not really prepared and with a sense of dread. I was to be interviewed by the Head of Programmes and the Head of Programming - already I’m confused. I’ll call them Fatty and Skinny, not particularly for legal reasons… more for my own amusement.

And let’s do a script here. I like writing them.

INTERIOR: TV CHANNEL / DAY
SMALL OFFICE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRANTICALLY BUSY OPEN-PLAN SPACE. HUNDREDS OF YOUNG PEOPLE WITH FRIGHTENING HAIR ARE BUZZING AROUND IN THE SICKENINGLY BRIGHTLY COLOURED OFFICE-CUM-STUDIO.

FATTY AND SKINNY ARE ‘INTERVIEWING’ ME AS I SWEAT PROFUSELY, TRYING TO DRINK MOLTEN LAVA FROM A MICROSCOPICALLY THIN PLASTIC CUPPETTE. IT’S WHAT PASSES AS COFFEE HERE APPARENTLY. OW. BURNEY.

FATTY
(looking at his notes - ie one question)
OK then, so… erm… how would you improve our channel then?

ME
(completely blank)
Well, it’s difficult… um… not that it’d be difficult to improve this channel hahah… I don’t mean that it’s shit, and it has changed a lot in the past few weeks and-

SKINNY
(looking up from my CV)
Ah, you’ve seen our channel then?

ME
(puzzled)
Um… yes, I’ve got it at home.

FATTY
(laughing)
Fuck. No-one else we’ve ever interviewed has.

SKINNY
(smiling weirdly to Fatty)
Shit-ola. The bleedin’ cat’s out of the preverbial, ain’t it? We’ll have to come clean.

FATTY
(to Skinny, laughing even more now)
Too right me old mucker. We’ve been rumbled. Can’t pretend we make anything of quality to this ‘un, can we?

ME
(sipping the lava – ow, bad idea)
Wha…?

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET ANY WEIRDER, THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. IT’S LEGENDARY BASTARD , THE MAN IN CHARGE OF THE CHANNEL. FATTY AND SKINNY SHUFFLE UNEASILY, OBVIOUSLY IN MORTAL FEAR OF THE MAN.

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(barking orders)
OK listen ‘ere you wankers, we need to get shot of that stupid fat-arsed bint and ‘er boring as fuck ‘lose weight’ show. No-one, and I repeat no-one, wants to watch a big fat cow harp on about the joys of dieting. If ‘er diet is so good, why is she so fuckin’ lardy, eh? EH? [NOTICING ME] Who’s this ‘erbert ‘ere then?

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Needless to say I was terrified. But the upshot was even odder...