Uh-oh...

So I'm being interviewed for a big job on a small channel. I'm drunk. I'm sitting behind a now open door, being incompetently assessed by Fatty and Skinny, Head of Programmes and Head of Programming respectively. Or vice versa. The reason I'm behind a door is that their ultimate boss, someone I'll call Legendary Bastard, has just burst into the room complaining about some diet show that's on air. This man is terrifying, even to a drunkyard like me... especially when he asks who I am...

Note: contains rude words. Very rude words.

SKINNY
(literally shaking with terror)
Er, he’s [FUMBLES FOR MY CV BUT ALL HIS PAPERS FALL ON THE FLOOR], um, here for the development job… been interviewing all wee-

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(looking me up and down, then out the window)
Uh-huh… [IRONICALLY] glad to see you dressed up for us, made an effort…

FATTY AND SKINNY LAUGH NERVOUSLY. I’M GRIPPED BY A SUDDEN DESIRE TO SAY SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING. SHIT. WHAT AM I DOING?

ME
(so shit-scared I’m dead brave)
Where I work this is ‘dressed up’. If I wore a shirt and tie as well as a suit, my boss’d think I was going to a funeral or something.

LEGENDARY BASTARRD
(cocked eyebrow, a little surprised)
Well being interviewed by these two twats, I bet you wish you were at a funeral, eh?

ME
(my mouth off on a journey to fuck-knows-where)
Hmmm… dunno, they’re doing OK… not sure about their first question though.

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(smiling at me now)
Yeah? Why’s that then?

ME
(what am I doing?)
“How would you improve our channel?”

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(roaring with laughter)
Fuckin’ hell. Fuck. Ing. HELL. Not a good question. I’ll tell you the answer, my son. Get shot of a certain useless Head of Programming and an even more pointless Head of Programmes. Tweedle-bloody-dum and Tweedle-fuckin-dee here.

SKINNY
(doing a ‘smoking a fag’ sort of gesture)
Well boss, certainly couldn’t disagree there. Marvellous plan.

FATTY
(nodding sagely)
Sounds like a winner to me. Consider it done.

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(leaning real close to me)
And what did you say to that fine question, may I be so bold to ask? How would you improve this veritable Rolls Royce of a network, hmmm?

ME
(well I may as well try the truth)
To be honest I was flailing about trying to think of something to say when you burst in here and saved me.

LEGENDARY BASTARD
(faux-serious look on his face)
Saved by me eh? Now that is fuckin’ desperate.

ME
(say something proper you idiot)
I’d scrap that diet show as well. The presenter woman’s not only fat but the show’s useless too. Completely unoriginal. Seems like a stupid idea to me.

LEGENDARY BASTARD
Let’s fire the ‘erbert who came up with that stupid fuckin’ idea. ‘Oo was it, eh?

SKINNY

(that fag-smokey thing again)
Well, boss, it was yours actually.

Uh-oh.